I saw that on a t-shirt once upon a time and it makes me laugh every time I think about it, because it’s objectively funny how many of us find ourselves on a path toward inner peace, and peace with our neighbors, via the study of violence.
But that’s not what I’m on about today. Today, I want to introduce you to a system I developed with advice from Dave Kovar, one of the most impressive martial artists operating today, and one of the most outspoken and systematic about how training develops a whole person, not just a fighter. He came on the show to talk about bullying and how we can teach kids how to stop it.
But First, a Word From Two Other Experts
Rory Miller and Spencer Coursen are two other guests of the show. One I’m privileged to consider a friend, and the other a respected colleague. Both have spent their lives studying violence and protection, and both have important points about bullying and schools.
Rory tells us, in his book Conflict Communication, that a zero tolerance policy about school fighting is like teaching abstinence-only education. It naively ignores the realities of teen life, and misses an opportunity to teach important decision-making skills.
Spencer’s book The Safety Trap discusses how a school administration’s policies are driven by liability, not survivability. By this he means that, at the policy level, your school board cares more about whether or not the district gets sued than they do about the safety of any individual student. The teachers, principals, and administrators of course also care about your kid, but the policies are not in place to ensure their personal safety.
Put those two things together, and the idea that kids should never, ever fight back against a bully go right out the window.
The five finger fist concept keeps that in mind, but doesn’t start there. It’s one of the best ways to teach the progression of other options before going hands-on, and is simple enough for even early elementary kids to grasp.
The Five-Finger Fist Response to Bullies
Okay. Picture this. You start with your hand open and out, in a “STOP!” gesture. Then you count out five steps of escalating response to being bullied. The first four are on your fingers, pinky to index, closing each finger as you go. When the fifth count closes your thumb, that hand is in a fist and ready to defend you.
Make sense? Good. Here are the five steps, the five fingers, as explained to me by Dave and interpreted through my own personal lens.
Step One: Listen With Empathy
Bullies want something, just like all of us do. It can be amazingly powerful to listen carefully, with empathy, to find out what they really want. Much of the time, what they want is to be heard, valued, listened to, and safe. They show off with bullying behavior because they think it’s the only way to get that positive attention (and because negative attention from school staff is still attention). Powering through the abusive first salvo and starting a real dialogue can be hard for kids and teens, but is surprisingly effective…especially if the kid or teen in question backs their question with confidence, so they look like a harder target than at first glance.
Step Two: Look for the Exit
If the situation doesn’t immediately start to get better, escape is always the best option. Start looking for the way out, and shift position so you can get there. Running right away might lead the bully to chase you, so sidle or shuffle in a circular motion to get yourself between the bully and the exit. Then go. Just…go. There’s no reason to stick around, and lots of reasons to be gone.
Step Three: Ask For Help
Sometimes you can’t leave. This might be when you’re stuck in a place with no easy exit, or you might be in an environment you’re not allowed to leave. School and school buses are two such places. In that situation, ask for help. That help might come from a responsible adult. It might come from nearby kids. It might come from moving into a more public area, so the bully has more witnesses than they’re comfortable with. You can ask for help explicitly, or simply reposition things so the help is seeing you and being seen by the bully. Also keep in mind that asking for help makes it easier to explain further steps to school authorities. You asked for help, and when help didn’t come…you had to help yourself.
Step Four: Hands Up
To review: up to this point, you’ve tried to negotiate, tried to leave, and asked for help. All three of those steps failed and the bully is still on you. It’s not time to respond with force yet, but it’s appropriate to make it clear that’s a possibility. Assume your best fighting stance, put both hands up, palms forward in a protective position, and shout something like “Back Off!” or “Leave Me Alone!”. The name of somebody nearby can also work, drawing the attention of a teacher or a friend. By doing this, you present yourself as ready to fight if you have to, while also calling for help one more time. Maintain this position, with your eyes on the bully, as you move toward whatever exit you can manage.
Step Five: Hands On
After Step Four, the bully has two options: let you go, or put their hands on you. If they let you go, it’s over and congratulations. If they put your hands on you, it’s time for a physical response. Use the most appropriate techniques from whatever self-defense methods you’ve learned, remembering that this is a bullying situation and not a life-or-death attack. While defending yourself, shout “Leave Me Alone” as loud as you can. Teachers who hear this when they see the fight may interpret the situation more accurately than if you’re saying other things, or not saying anything at all.
If you reach Step Five, only attack as much as you must to escape. Never hurt somebody more than is absolutely necessary.
Practice Make Permanent
That’s the entire system, and it works…but only if you talk about it and practice it ahead of time. Run your kid through this progression in role-playing scenarios at home, or have their martial arts instructor do it in class. Like any other skill you apply under stress, they need to master it under a controlled circumstance if you want them to use it “in the wild.”
For more drills, skills, and activities you can do with your kids about bullying, watch my whole conversation with Dave. He’s the real deal, and knows what he’s talking about.