Marc MacYoung needs no introduction in self-defense and martial arts circles. He’s a violence professional with a loooooong list of books to his name:
Cheap Shots, Ambushes, and Other Lessons
Safe in the City: A Streetwise Guide to Avoid Being Robbed, Raped, Ripped Off, or Run Over
Knives, Knife Fights, and Related Hassles
“Secrets” of Effective Offense
Pool Cues, Beer Bottles, and Baseball Bats: Animal’s Guide to Improvised Weapons for Self-Defense and Survival
Taking it to the Street: Making Your Martial Arts Street Effective
Fists, Wits, and a Wicked Right: Surviving on the Wild Side of the Street
A Professional’s Guide to Ending Violence Quickly
Violence, Blunders, and Fractured Jaws
Becoming a Complete Martial Artists
In the Name of Self-Defense
Street Escape & Evasion
Beyond the Picket Fence: Life Beyond the Middle Class Bubble
What You Don’t Know Can Kill You
Floor Fighting: Stompings, Maimings, and Other Things to Avoid When a Fight Goes to the Ground
Multiple Attackers: Your Guide to Recognition, Avoidance, and Survival
…and I’ve probably missed a few. My point is, the man is prolific and expert at things related to violence. He’s a good guy to listen to.
Most of his books are aimed at violence professionals, or wanna-be violence professionals. His latest, Safety Doesn’t Have to Be Scary, is for civilians like you and me. It educates without being scary, bringing violence prevention into a space where it’s needed. It’s full of great advice, and you should read it, but today I’m going to share with you the most important insight I found in the book:
You Have Permission to Keep Yourself Safe
I’ll say that again. You Have Permission to Keep Yourself Safe. This is so important I’ll say it a third time in a different font:
You Have Permission to Keep Yourself Safe
I’d apologize for overstressing this, but it can’t be overstressed.
As a human, you have the right to keep yourself safe. You must give yourself permission to hurt people, to be rude, to embarrass yourself, to do whatever you have to to stay safe and to keep your family safe.
This is important because the bad guys have given themselves permission to hurt you. They’ve already worked that out before they attack. In that moment, you have time to defend yourself OR time to work out how you feel, morally and emotionally, about staying safe.
You.
Have.
Permission.
To.
Keep.
Yourself.
Safe.
Got it? Good. Spend all the time you need to internalize this, and to visualize situations where you might need permission. This ranges from giving yourself permission to be rude to somebody in your personal space, all the way up to understanding the circumstances under which you might kill somebody, and everything in between.
10 Things You Should Know About Keeping Yourself Safe
1.Violence Comes Last
You are safer, and your family is safer, if you are prepared for violence and give yourself permission to use it. That said, not getting involved with violence is almost always the safest course.
You know how to de-escalate things, but also recognize that violence comes last from the other side first. Bad guys have a path to violence that includes steps of observation, testing boundaries, assessing capacity, closing distance, and others.
Combine those two things, and you have a handbook for staying safe before you need that permission to keep yourself safe.
2. You Need to Understand Conflict
Conflict and violence are sciences. The better you understand them, the better you can keep yourself and your family safe. You will see it coming from further away, have more tools to avoid them, and be faster and safer if things come to violence.
Books like Marc’s, and shows like mine, are a place to start building this understanding.
3. Violence Doesn’t Come Out of Nowhere
At the risk of harping on the lead-up, violence almost never comes out of nowhere. In the overwhelming majority of cases, warning signs were there for people who could recognize them:
That abusive spouse showed signs of controlling and manipulation far before the first hit
That school shooter had a case file two inches thick, and mentioned shooting classmates on social media
That rapist tested social boundaries at the party or bar before pushing physical boundaries later
That mugger had been following you for three blocks
I’m not saying this to blame the victim. In all cases, the bad guy is entirely to blame. Knowing how to spot those signs of impending violence help you avoid being a victim.
4. You Must Understand the Rules
Violence has different social rules in different places. This includes reasons an otherwise rational person might get violent with you, the ways you indicate you’re a poor choice to target for violence, rituals and phrases for avoiding violence, how far you can go before bystanders intervene…and many more details.
Breaking the rules of violence is a quick way to get badly hurt by people who feel 100% justified in hurting you.
The rules change according to where you are. If you’re in unfamiliar territory, pay attention to how other people are acting. It can give you good cues and clues.
5. It’s On You to Know the Law
Besides the social rules, each jurisdiction has its own laws surrounding the use of force and violence. Although self-defense is an almost universally recognized human right, the legal definitions vary.
For example, a bad guy with a knife is coming toward you and your children. You have a gun. In some states, you’re 100% okay shooting to kill right away. In others, you can only shoot if there’s no escape route behind you. In still others, you get additional rules about whether or not you must warn the bad guy before opening fire. In much of the world, you’re already breaking the law by having a gun.
If you intend to use violence (and you should, under circumstances you set for yourself after reflection), it is your responsibility and yours alone to understand how self-defense interacts with the laws where you are.
6. Be Ready for the Aftermath
Violence is bad in the moment, and arguably worse in some cases afterward. Even if you “win” the altercation, you will suffer emotional damage. You might also face criminal action or a lawsuit because of what you did to stay alive.
Be prepared for this, and get the help you need to weather this second storm.
7. Ego Has No Place Here
You have permission to keep yourself and your family safe. You do not have permission to hurt other people as a way of boosting or protecting your ego.
I don’t care what they said about your mom, or your date. It doesn’t matter what name they called you. Violence is for safety only.
Most people who read my blog are parents, and already know this. But in case you need reminding, or want somebody to back you up when you tell your teen boy, I figured this should be on the list.
8. Know Your Goals
Permission works best when you understand why. When you think about surviving violence, or find yourself in a dangerous situation, set a goal immediately and do everything you can to get there.
For example, the advice in a mass shooting incident is “Run, Hide, Fight.” It sounds good, but it lacks a goal. Where are you running to, and why? Where should you hide, and to what purpose? When you fight, what are you trying to accomplish?
Run away from the danger, so you’re nowhere near the flying bullets. Hide someplace that offers cover, so the bad guys moves past you. Fight to disarm and destroy the attacker, using whatever tools are necessary.
That’s just one framework for this, but you get what I’m saying. Make that decision quickly and act on it.
9. Training is a Must
People do not rise to the occasion. They fall to their level of training.
If you are serious about staying safe, take time to learn and practice safety skills. You don’t have to become a black belt, but at the very least become familiar to the point of habit with whatever self-defense devices you carry regularly.
10. Accept Reality
The biggest mistake victims of violence make is they’re still trying to convince themselves violence won’t happen when it’s happening.
The world is mostly safe, and mostly filled with good people, but when a bad guy reveals himself as bad, look that information squarely in the eye. Accept that you are in trouble, and that you bear the primary responsibility for getting yourself out of it.
People not doing that is the main reasons bad guys are able to keep being bad. It’s an ugly reality, but that doesn’t make it less real.