This simple parenting hack comes to us from Cat Coode of Binary Tattoo, one of the smartest people working in internet safety and data privacy today. It was just one of the many things I learned in our interview during Season Two.
I do not have daughters, but Cat does, and as far as I can tell this checks out. Cat reports it has worked for many people she’s given the advice to.
The Problem
Many teen girls like to post photos of themselves either wearing revealing outfits, or emphasizing parts of their bodies commonly associated with pin-up posters. Although it’s disconcerting to a lot of parents (especially dads), it’s a natural part of the modern teen experience. Teens are discovering sex and sexuality, and some of them want to show some of that off…especially if they have a particular potential viewer in mind.
This is natural and normal, and the last thing we want to do is oversexualize or slut shame the teenage girls we’re responsible for. On the other hand, the internet is very public and the internet is forever. The people she has in mind might not be the only ones viewing it, and some of those people could become fixated or target her as a victim.
Put another way: a sixteen year old posting a bikini photo on her Instagram isn’t bad or wrong, but it can be risky. So what do we do about that?
The Solution
So, we all have that one friend. The friend is male. He’s middle-aged. He’s a little overweight. He’s not actually a creep (if he was he wouldn’t be our friend), but he sometimes comes off as a little creepy.
The next time that friend comes over to visit, have him mention in passing about the photo you’re concerned about. Not in a “hey, your parents told me about this and here’s my advice” way. Oh, no….have him mention it in a “I saw your red bikini photo on your Instagram. It’s really nice” way.
According to Cat, this never fails to at the very least get daughters to tighten up their privacy controls. Some of them stop posting the revealing photos entirely.
It’s not the nicest thing you’ll ever have done, but I’m told it’s very effective.
The Better Solution
Of course, that’s what to do if your daughter is posting in an unsafe way. The better solution comes in two parts:
Part one, have her already informed and intelligent about the internet, its risks, and the specifics of privacy controls and curating her online contacts list. If she’s on top of this, a few racy photos won’t be a problem because they’re not going out where bad guys can see them.
Part two, have an open, honest, and mutually respectful dialogue about sex from an early age. With that in place, your daughter’s behavior around revealing photos, dating, sex, and potential online predators will be, as the kids say, “on point.”
Both of those solutions happen through a long history of communication, listening, and teaching over the course of your daughter’s childhood. It’s worth the effort, starting today. But if it’s not in place yet, the above plan works really well.
If you haven’t already, check out my full interview with Cat. This was just one of several amazing insights she brought to the table.