I don’t remember which stand-up comic first observed this, but it has stuck with me for my entire parenting journey:
Talking with children is like talking with a tiny, drunken adult.
I don’t think many of you would disagree with me. They have all the symptoms of drunkenness, especially when they disagree with us. Often, arguing with a child is like arguing with a drunk adult, and about as effective for getting what we want.
Alex Bromley came on the show to share his expertise with Verbal Judo, a communication training program initially built for law enforcement. You know who cops talk with lots during their shifts? That’s right: drunks, and people on other drugs.
Alex made a very good point during our talk, by using the term “under the influence.” When we think about communicating with somebody under the influence, we usually think about somebody who is drunk or high…but somebody can be under the influence of powerful emotions, or under the influence of puberty.
When you think about it, both of those things flood the body with chemicals at least as powerful as a shot of tequila or a toke off a joint. Inspired by Alex, some bouncers I know, and my own experience working club and bar security, here’s my list of five key things to remember when talking with your kids and other people under the influence.
You cannot reason with a drunk…
Logic does not work with drunks, and rarely works with children. When our minds are altered, that higher-order thinking goes right out the window. It’s better to use emotional attachment. Show them you care what they feel and think, get them to care about your feelings. Move forward in that moment based on that bond, and save the logical considerations for when things have settled down.
…But you can confuse one
This was one of my favorite techniques in bars: distracting an aggressive drunk so hard they forgot they were mad. It’s surprisingly easy, and works with kids, too. Toddlers and early elementary kids can get distracted by any shiny object. As your kids get older, you have to get wilier, but anything you can do to just get their minds off being upset, embarrassed, or anxious will help you steer the conversation in the direction you need it to go.
Give them an out
People under any kind of influence have an elevated need to save face. This is especially true of teenagers. If you come in hot, insisting that it be your way or the highway, you might get compliance but you won’t win cooperation or collaboration. Look for a way to give your child some kind of win in the conversation by giving up something minor in exchange for your core goal. This can, for some parents, be hard on the ego…but it’s worth it.
Give choices, even if they’re illusionary
Demands and threats sometimes work in the moment, but they’re not great for building the relationship we want with our kids. Instead, offer choices between two outcomes you can live with. Don’t give more than two, since most people in a stressful moment won’t be able to compute that many variables. At times, the choice is between two slightly different flavors of a single outcome (“Do you want to wear your blue tie or your red tie?”), but even that small empowerment and agency matters a lot to children and other drunks.
Know when the conversation is over
You’ve been there with at least one drunk relative: they’re too far gone to accomplish anything, so your best bet is to disengage and let them sleep it off. This is also true with your kids: sometimes they’re too upset for any conversation to accomplish your goals. Even worse, if you stay too long in that hopeless exchange, one or both of you is going to say something that hurts your relationship. It’s totally okay to call a time out, take five, or even break for the night and return to the conversation when everybody’s on a more even keel.
Verbal Judo to the Rescue
I first encountered Verbal Judo before I was a parent, and Alex’s refresher in his interview reminded me of conflict management tools seemingly custom-tailored to the job of talking with our kids. Check out the full video here to learn more.
If you can’t make the show, here are the most important takeaways:
Never say “calm down”
Establish the why in every conversation as early as possible
Don’t be afraid to apologize to your kids
Paraphrasing what somebody just said helps show them you’re listening
Reduce your volume to increase how much you’re heard
Everybody wants to feel heard, and to be given choices instead of commands